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This is gonna be the page that I put short stories on
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Ruling
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Reneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
WHO IS JACK SHIT? The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit." Now you can intellectually handle the situation...
Jack is the only son of Awe Shit and O. Shit. Awe Shit, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Shit, the owner of Needeep N. Shit
Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit, and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Shit, Fulla Shit, Giva Shit,
Bull Shit, and the twins: Deap Shit and Dip Shit. Against her
parent's objections, Deap Shit married Dumb Shit, a High school dropout
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit divorced.
Noe Shit later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Shit-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit and they produced a son of
nervous disposition, Chicken Shit. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla
Shit and Giva Shit, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Shit-Happens
wedding.
The Shit-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Shit,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit", you can correct them.
A Duck Is A Duck
This guy has a pet duck that he takes with him wherever he goes. One day the guy's out with his duck and he notices a new movie theater in the neighborhood, and as it turns out, they're playing a movie he's been wanting to see for a while, so he decides to go in.
He walks up to the counter to buy his ticket, but the kid at the booth says, "Sorry, buddy, this is a movie theater. You can't bring that duck in here."
The guy thinks, "No way am I gonna walk all the way home with this duck and come all the way back." He happens to be wearing loose-fitting trousers, so he walks around the corner, stuffs the duck down his pants, and comes back and gets his ticket.
He goes into the auditorium and sits down next to two old ladies. The picture starts, and after a while the duck starts to get a little claustrophobic, so he unzips the guy's fly with his beak and pops his head out.
By and by, one of the old ladies notices there's something funny going on with their neighbor's crotch. She leans over to her friend and whispers, "Eunice! The guy next me has his fly down, and his you-know-what is sticking out!"
"Oh, Marge," say the other old lady. "At your age, you've been around the block or time or two. What's the big deal-- if you've seen one of those things, you've seen 'em all."
"Well, that's what I would have said," says Marge. "But this one's
eating my popcorn."
Drip Drip
Ok there was this little boy, hes like 9, and his parents went out drinking or something until like 3am, and this little boy has a dog, and his dog sleeps under the bed, and whenever the little boy is scared or feel uneasy, he puts his hand under the bed and the dog licks his hand and then hes ok. Anyway, one night after his parents left, the little boy goes to bed and hes like reading or something and after a while he hears this noise, it goes drip drip drip... so the boy puts his hand under the bed and he's ok. So he's reading some more and he hears it again, drip drip drip, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen to fund the noise, but its not coming from the sink, so he goes to the bathroom and its not coming from the sink there either, so he turns around...and on the doorknob, he sees his dead dog, and its hanging by its neck and the blood is dripping, drip drip, and in blood on the door is written, HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!
The 2 Fleas
Once there were 2 fleas, a boy and a girl. They were dating for quite some time and every summer they met in Florida to talk about the year that they had. So the 3rd summer they met, and the girl talked about how she got down on her neighbor's dog. After she told her boyfriend about her year he told about his. After he told about his year he told her that he had gotten sown to Florida on some man's moustache that was riding on a motorcycle. He told her it was SO cold and how he almost froze to death. She thought for a moment and after a minute or so she told him a new plan to get to Florida for the summer. Her plan was for him to get on a plane and climb up a stewardess's leg and nestle in "there" until he got to his final destination. He liked that idea of being warm and cozy so the next summer he tried it. On their 4th summer together they talked for some time and then the girl flea asked if he had done what she had told him to do. He told her yes but only one thing had gone wrong...HE HAD STILL ENDED UP ON THE MAN'S MOUSTACHE! LOL!
Two dead guys
A dead guy walks up to another dead guy and asks, "How'd you die?" The first dead guy replies, I froze to death The second guy says that must be terrible I died from a heart attack. It all happened one day when I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So one day I came home from work early. I heard some commotion inside and when I walked in I sensed someone was here. "I yelled 'Where is he!' and my wife faked a 'Who?' Then I ran to the bedroom. Nobody there. I ran to the attic, basement, bathroom and the whole entire house. Nobody there. Ahhhhhhh! I was totally frustrated! I searched the house again and still found nobody, yet I had a strong suspicion this guy was hiding from me somewhere! Then my heart gave way from that enormous amount of stress. I never found him. "Then the first guy goes, "It's ironic. We would both be still alive if you looked in the freezer!"
Mickey and Minnie divorce
Mickey and Minnie are gettin' a divorce So at court the judge asked Mickey why he wants to divorce Minnie. "Well, she is a little Crazy, "The judge says. "Crazy"?! Mickey interrupts. "She isn't just crazy, she's fucking Goofy
Chicken Sh*t
This boy was sitting on his front porch...with a coffee can and was stirring something in the can...when the mail man walked by he said what are you doing little boy...the little boy said Im a stirrin...whatcha stirrin...chicken sh*t...whatcha makin...the little boy looked in the can and said a mail man...this p*ssed off the mail man...so he left...about 30 minutes later the milk man came by...he asked the little boy what he was doin and the little boy said...im a stirrin...whatcha stirrin...chicken sh*t...whatcha makin...he looked in the can and said a milk man...well this P*ssed him off so he left...when he was leaving he saw the mail man and stoped to talk to him...they got talking about the little boy and got even madder than they already were...so the went and found the cop...The cop said what seems to be the problem gentlemen...so they told him...well the cop thought he was big and bad and he went to the little boys house and saw him doing exaclty what the mail man and milk man said he was doing...so he said...whatcha doin little boy and the little boy said ...im a stirrin...whatcha stirrin...chicken sh*t...whatcha makin...he looked in the can and said...a milk man...well this confused the cop...So he said ok..u told the milk man u were going to make a milk man and you told the mail man you were going to make a mail man...why didnt you tell me you were going to make a cop...the little boy looked in the can and said...I DONT HAVE ENOUGH CHICKEN SHIT!!!!
Hospital
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
** Cherryhill**
A dumbass highschool student is late for class.
Teacher: and where were u Mr. Johnson?
Student: oh I was on top of Cherryhill
teacher: very well turn to chapter six we're starting with our reading assignments.
Student: ahhhh man
*
A popular highschool student is late for class.
Teacher: and where were u Mr. Thomas?
Student: oh i was on top of Cherryhill
teacher: very well turn to chapter six we're starting with our reading assignments.
Student: agggh shit
*
the pretty new girl is late for class.
Teacher: and who might u be?
Student: pleasure to meet u sir, I'm CHERRYHILL!
A GIRL'S FIRST TIME!!! (Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if youre afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy
entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking'? PERVERT!!!!! I know what you were thinking!
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If you have any short stories or funny things send them to cutesk8rchick15@hotmail.com and I'll put them on my site.
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